12.7.21 – Eleventh Hour

Have you seen Inside? Yes, the Bo Burnham special on Netflix. When this was released, I had limited experience with his work. I was aware of the type of comedy that he performed, but it’s not my usual source of entertainment. I heard amazing things from many different people for weeks before I watched. Within the first two minutes, I realized what was happening. I was alone in front of my computer, face-to-face with the mental health issues I ignored. It’s no coincidence that I’d resign to fully committing to this healing journey less than two months later.

This particular entry has been in progress for almost a week. I had the beginnings of an idea, but it didn’t feel fully developed enough to write. My original idea was to talk about the “Three of Swords” energy in tarot. This card is about heartbreak, loss, and disappointments. Not the most cheery of topics, but you go where the inspiration takes you. I couldn’t quite get the idea flow going into something concrete. I could talk about my experience with heartbreak and loss, but where was that going to go? I assumed it would cause me to regress. All the hard work, positive thinking, and change would be for nothing. I resisted and distracted myself. That’s regression.

Last night, something reminded me of Inside, so I watched it again. At one point, some numbers appear on the screen as a timestamp. For me, you can’t ignore what you try to write off as a coincidence. You might need to put it on a metaphorical post-it for later, but it will come up again and again until you understand. The numbers that I saw were 9999, 59, and 29:59. I’m not going to sit here and explain exactly what it means to me. It would start to look very manic conspiracy theory very quickly. There would be red strings and newspaper clippings all over the place. The only explanation I can give is that the change, the end, the time to prepare… it’s all gone.

I have reached the eleventh hour, the last minute. I keep coming back to something I see in movies frequently. The hero fights until he can fight no more. There’s a split second where he lets go and trusts that help is coming. An unseen force comes out of nowhere and plucks him out of harm’s way. The hero doesn’t look away, deny it, or think twice. He takes the chance and lets himself get whisked away.

Self-sabotage and ego cannot be why you don’t get everything you’ve ever wanted. I always like to think of it as an outstretched hand. If the hand matches your goal and the end to your suffering, take the hand. Don’t look at the hand and turn it down because of timing or difficulty. Don’t let the past hurt drive you away from your goal. Trust the unknown and yourself.

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